· Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
· They're making headlines!
· Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?
· She wanted to be a nurse.
· When is a school paper not a school paper?
· When it's turned into the teacher.
· What do flies wear on their feet?
· Shoos.
· What's Mary short for?
· She's got no legs.
· What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
· A tuba toothpaste.
· Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school?
· Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.
A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having
these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam,
then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong
with me?"
The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
· Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
· If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
· What do you say when a dog runs away?
· Dog-gone!
· Why did the baker rob the bank?
· He needed the dough.
· What do you call a fly with no wings?
· A walk.
The portrait fell down from the wall,
And struck the young man's head.
"A striking likeness!" was just about all,
The rueful punster said.
· Knock knock.
· Who's there?
· Banana.
· Banana who?
· Knock knock.
· Who's there?
· Banana.
· Banana who?
· Knock knock.
· Who's there?
· Banana.
· Banana who?
· Knock knock.
· Who's there?
· Orange.
· Orange who?
· Orange you glad I didn't say Banana?
· Ask me if I'm a tree.
· Huh?
· Ask me if I'm a tree.
· Are you a tree?
· No.
· What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?
· A hobby horse.
· What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?
· I didn't do it on porpoise.
· Where did the kittens go on a class trip?
· To the meow-seum.
· What did one plate say to the other?
· Lunch is on me.
· What does a cat say when he likes something?
· It's purrrfect.
· What do outlaws eat with their milk?
· Crookies.
· What does a proud computer call his little son?
· A microchip off the old block.
· Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?
· She couldn't raise enough dough.
· Why won't a bike stand up by itself?
· It's two tired.
· What is the clumsiest bee?
· A bumbling bee.
· How do you make anti-freeze?
· Take away her blanket.
· What did the potato ask the cow?
· Give me some milk, and we can make mashed potatoes.
A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and
reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced
on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle
knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
· Where do ghosts live?
· At the dead end.
· What did the tie say to the neck?
· I think I'll just hang around.
· When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed?
· When he's red-handed.
· What did the candle say when he was down on his luck?
· I'm at wick's end.
· Who writes ghost stories?
· A ghost writer.
· What do you call a crab that plays baseball?
· A pinch hitter.
· Where do pigs park their cars?
· In porking lots.
· What did the football say to the football player?
· I get a kick out of you.
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri
on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have
a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so
he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed,
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri,
doc."
One grape lived for lying around in the sun. It was his "raisin d'etre."
· Why wouldn't the bald man let anyone use his comb?
· He couldn't part with it.
· Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank?
· He wanted to wake up oily.
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but
we don't serve food here."
A group of friars lived in a monastery. As with many monasteries, the friars
found it necessary to run a small business to support themselves. They ran
a floral shop. One day one of the friars brought in an exquisite find: a Venus
fly trap. It was such a cute thing, they couldn't bear to sell it, so they
just kept it on display. But after a while, it grew so big that flies were
no longer enough to satisfy it. It ate cockroaches, but it kept growing. It
ate mice, but it still kept growing. It ate chipmunks, squirrels, cats, then
raccoons and dogs and ponies. Finally the villagers got wise to this and attempted
to put a stop to it. But try as they might, no one could. One way or another,
the friars outsmarted the townsfolk and raided their farms of large animals.
Finally the villagers pooled their money and hired a professional named Hugh
to come in and capture the friars. Hugh stormed the monastery, destroyed the
fly trap, captured the friars, and turned them over to the police. The moral
of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
· What did the apple say to the banana?
· Nothing -- apples don't talk!
· What do you call a pickle that draws?
· A dillustrator.
· What did the duck say when she bought some lipstick?
· Put it on my bill.
· What kind of tree grows in your hand?
· A palm tree.
· Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
· He wanted to go bear foot.
· Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy?
· Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd be
aspirin tablets!
· Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?
· To see how long he slept.
· How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and
Halloween costume to create something tasty?
· Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.
· Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?
· Her batteries were dead.
· Why is a train like a stick of gum?
· One goes choo-choo; the other goes chew-chew.
· What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
· A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.
· Did you hear about the peanut in the hospital?
· He was assaulted.
Two atoms are talking:
· "Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!"
· "Are you sure?"
· "Yes, I'm positive!"
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
· How does a man on a moon get his haircut?
· Eclipse it.
· What did the moron do when he thought he might be dying?
· He went into the living room!
· Why must judges learn to spell well?
· They must follow the letter of the law.
· Where do cows go on Friday nights?
· To the moovies.
· Knock knock.
· Who's there?
· Soup.
· Soup who?
· Souperman!
· Why did the girl spray her clock?
· It was full of ticks.
· Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
· Because of its bark.
· Where do baby cows go to eat lunch?
· At the calf-eteria.
· What do you call a deer with no eyes?
· No eye deer.
· What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
· Still no eye deer.
· What do you call a fish with no eyes?
· Fsh.
· Why did the man put cheese on his computer?
· He wanted to feed the mouse.
· What do you call joke told by a duck?
· A wise quack.
· How do you make soup gold?
· You put in fourteen carrots.
A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of his riders.
At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are named Patty.
At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on. At the final
stop, a disgusting man named Lester Freeze got on, took off his shoes, and
picked at his bunions.
When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new that
day. He said, "Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Freeze picks his
bunions on a Sesame Street bus."
· Why did the bear run around his bed?
· He wanted to catch up on his sleep.
· What do you call a clock on the moon?
· A lunartick.
· Why did the banana put on sun-tan lotion?
· To keep from peeling.
A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate
that had been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?"
the dentists asked the man.
"All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some
asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much, I put it on
everything now."
"That's the problem," the dentist said, frowning. "Hollandaise
sauce contains lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a new
plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?"
"It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
· What do you call a cracked window?
· A pane in the glass.
· Why is a room full of married people empty?
· There isn't a single person in it.
· What do you call Robin Hood's mother?
· Mother Hood.
· What do you call it when you lease false teeth?
· A dental rental.
A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of
celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.
· What did the sink say to the water faucet?
· You're a real drip.
Said Helvetica Narrow to Helvetica Bold: "Hey, you're just my type."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in
Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins.
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
· Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink?
· He found a leek there.
· What kind of flower grows on your face?
· Tulips.
· Why didn't the leopard go on vacation?
· It couldn't find the right spot.
· What kind of floor do dinosaurs' bathrooms have?
· Rep-tiles.
Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."
They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometime In and Out played
outside, but other times they played inside. One day In was out and Out was
in. Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in
a few minutes he came in with In.
"My my, Out," she said, "How did you find In so quickly?"
Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."
· What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date?
· Shore.
· What has more lives than a cat?
· A frog -- it croaks every night.
· Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
· So it could become a first-aid kit.
More awful jokes available at http://www.rinkworks.com/jokes/
cast patients weirds dimensional nuthatch NECRO-COMICON